Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hitting the Wall
[Waiting in Vain @ 2:47 PM]



Have you ever gazed at something, unwittingly, and a memory so strong hit you squarely that you almost forgot to breathe, and you clawed, tried to go over that invisible wall, only falling down again and again? Have you ever caught a sniff of something, a place, and suddenly you remember a long forgotten place, a warmth, perhaps, or a sense of peace that you knew you had, once, but cannot recall?

I wanted to cry, sometimes. Because that sudden longing wasn't lenient, it hit me will full force, it took the breath out of me, and I hated it. Because for once I glimpsed something that I cannot reach, for the invisible wall, for I know not that it is real or a mere fantasy I conjured as an escape. I loved the feeling it brought with it, but I hated falling off the wall.

I wanted to cry, sometimes.

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3 musings




Thursday, September 27, 2007

I would start over in a new canvas
[Waiting in Vain @ 10:26 PM]



I realized that I never really typed anything about my new school. And thus here it goes:

It's decent.

Yes. Decent as far as school goes. Weird enough, I found myself socializing more here than I did in my previous two schools. Of course, I'd never get friends as good as H and M - I don't think I can, anymore, having felt the bitterness of parting. So they drift. People moving in and out of my sight, but never staying. I long for someone to share my feelings with, as I did with H and M. We understood each other, because we were experiencing the same thing. But now- even if I want, I can't possibly risk scaring someone off by revealing who I am. No, not the happy go lucky Cynthia with an obsession for sex, but rather someone who was hurt, and eager to heal.

They seemed so happy; every one of them. I must laugh, then, in order not to disturb the harmony. I almost poured myself out on MSN, when chatting with a classmate. I need to be careful from now on, it seems, until I'm sure that I won't freak anyone out.

I'll move next year again, anyways, and after two years, I'll move again. And again. I'll never be close enough to anyone to satiate this loneliness. Each time I move, I would start over in a new canvas, and each time, the details would diminish. If first it was full of vibrant colors filling the page, then perhaps now it's a simple grey sketch.

Whether I can paint that sketch or not, it depends on me. I hope I can. But this loneliness must dissipate first for me to move on.


1 musings




Tuesday, September 04, 2007

And the Taste of the Age was
[Waiting in Vain @ 12:14 PM]



Nothing sweet, or rather, it didn't feel like anything at all. Different from my depressive 15th birthday, today was bland, bland in all sense. If not for some text messages arriving, it would be easy to forget that I actually turned 16 today. Maybe the human mind is set to forget things it does not desire, and for my part, the fact that time had yet again moved on without me. Perhaps my mind cannot keep up with the vastness of time, how it would constantly inhibit us; restraining. Does time not control our actions? Even in the life of someone with a seemingly infinite amount of free time, time continues to hound them, because time is never free. While our mind drifts our body would age, so fast, it seems, that time would have to stop, if we were to catch up.

Or perhaps time simply cannot keep up with our minds, how it constantly evolves, drifting in and out of the future , plotting and conveying its ideas for the times ahead. But to evolve it would have to wait for time. Again, time is restraining. And I wish for time to stop, however briefly, just to let myself catch my breath, for myself to be once again in pace with my life.

So. Happy birthday to myself. Time cannot stop; so for today, I would wish for next year to be more interesting, so I can feel that my life is moving forward to its desired point.

Or at least so that I won't be sick on my birthday again.

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rekindling a love for drawing
[Waiting in Vain @ 6:51 PM]



Pardon the utterly wrong capitalizations for a title, but I've recently redeveloped an old hobby of mine; drawing. It all started with the hated art class. We were told to do FOUR paintings of surrealism in the course of, 3 or 4 weeks. Lots of time, right? Noooo, I managed to procrastinate till the absolutely last moments of the deadline, tomorrow. So here I was, rushing to complete 4 paintings in the course of 3 days, after 2 years of hiatus from any type of drawing. I've chosen watercolor as my tool (after failing with acrylic because the darn teacher told us to buy acrylic paints, failing to tell us that they are absolutely horrendous to use with SKETCH PAPER. I ruined a perfectly good sketch by using acrylic. Plus it was my first time too), which I bought in emergency near the canteen. It was a stupid cake color set, but it suited my need.

So I went home at Wednesday, panicking utterly since I have to get all 4 paintings done by Friday. I was skeptical at first on what to use. The last time I used pastels was when I was 8, acrylic is well..., I fail at penciling, and I'm not using canvases, therefore no oils. Remembering the last lesson I had 2 years ago on watercolor, I grabbed my watercolor and started painting the sky of my half done painting (mix of acrylics and color pencils). Now, I'll be honest. It turned out sorta crappy, the sky, but it looked kinda good from 5 meters away, so I let it go with a harumph, seeing that it was my first time after a long hiatus anyways.

Second painting: I rummaged through my picture folders, found a picture of a woman's back, so I improvised by making her cut through her back and revealing an eye, which suits the theme of 'eye and hand'. It turned out quite well, managed to blend the shadows smoothly, initially screwed up the hair, but it was acceptable after a lot of layering. Well, it was good, until I drew wisps of hair on her hand. Then it turned horrendous. Again, I let it go. I'm a perfectionist by nature (I would never dream of letting my creative writings out without at least reading it 10 times), but I hadn't the time to re-do all the whole painting.

I'm quite pleased to say, though, that even though I'm not happy with the paintings (or parts of it), I'm pleased with what I've learned through my blunders. I'm working on a third piece now, and after I've completed the task, I'll hop on to the art supply store and begin to practice painting at least weekly.

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0 musings




Friday, August 10, 2007

Porn vs Hentai
[Waiting in Vain @ 11:04 PM]



Dannie incidentally wrote the following list in our late night ICQ chat. Did I tell you that, that boy is a fricking genius?

Porn:
Khass (11:57 PM) :
typical porn movie:
Khass (11:57 PM) :
1) CRAPPY BACKSTORY WITH SLUTS AND HORNY GUYS
Khass (11:57 PM) :
2) BLOWJOB/CUNNILINGUS
Khass (11:57 PM) :
3) CUNNILINGUS/BLOWJOB
Khass (11:58 PM) :
4) MISSIONARY
Khass (11:58 PM) :
5) WOMAN ON TO
Khass (11:58 PM) :
TOP*
Khass (11:58 PM) :
6) DOGGY STYLE
Khass (11:58 PM) :
7) BLOW JOB
Khass (11:58 PM) :
9) ONE-MAN BUKKAKE


Hentai:
Khass (12:00 AM) :
hentai is like this
Khass (12:00 AM) :
1) WOMAN LOOKS INTO MAN'S FACE. MAN SMILES
Khass (12:01 AM) :
2) WOMAN BLUSHES. BY SOME ANATOMICAL BIRTH DEFECT, ONLY THE AREA BELOW HER EYES IS AFFECTED
Khass (12:01 AM) :
3) DIAGONAL SNAKES SUN BATHE IN THE AREA
Khass (12:01 AM) :
4) MAN ADVANCES
Khass (12:01 AM) :
5) WOMAN: "NO!"
Khass (12:02 AM) :
6) MAN TOUCHES THE "NO-NO" ZONES
Khass (12:02 AM) :
7) WOMAN SLIGHTLY GIVES IN
Cynn (12:02 AM) :
wrong, the woman gave in from the beginning but just pretended
Khass (12:02 AM) :
8 ) WOMAN'S CLOTHES MISTERIOULY DISSAPEAR
Khass (12:03 AM) :
9) STROKING
Khass (12:03 AM) :
10) CUNNINLINGUS
Khass (12:03 AM) :
11) "AHOY, CAPTAIN, THE SHIP IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE PORT!"
Khass (12:03 AM) :
12) SEX. MOANING, SUPPOSED PAIN. WILD SEX
Khass (12:04 AM) :
13) WILDER SEX
Khass (12:04 AM) :
14) "OY, CAPTAIN, READY DA POOP DECK!"
Khass (12:05 AM) :
15) "MON CAPITAN, THE SEAMEN ARE READY TO EXIT THE SHIP!"
Khass (12:05 AM) :
16) *SPLURT*

Now pardon me, I need to finish the vaunted hentai game I left before...


1 musings




Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Fast Food Nation, Porn, FFXI, .hack
[Waiting in Vain @ 8:39 PM]



Depressive state: over. Sheesh, sometimes I think I might have a bi-polar disorder, but of course, since it changes pretty flawlessly from a depressive state to a normal happy-go-lucky phase, I would call it, uh, actually, nevermind.

So, I finally decided to ask my dad to buy me FFXI: The Vana'diel Collection 2007, well, not right now, but probably in a week or two seeing that it takes time to ship it over, and wiring money. I must say that I've decided to try FFXI (4 years too late?) because I recently picked up .hack//G.U Rebirth at the DVD store, and managed to beat it in 3 days. Over a year ago I played .hack, but for some unknown reason, I stopped right before the final boss at .hack//mutation, and I haven't picked it up since, although I must admit its battle system pales in comparison with G.U (WTF? No more rengeki?! It takes 982532759 seconds to chase a running enemy?!), G.U's rengeki system and the battle barrier is a brilliant idea. The downside, however, is how the two most annoying characters I've played in games somehow gets incorporated in it; namely Gaspard and Pyros 3. Pyros I can tolerate (immunity built from originial .hack?), since I just skip his story events and try to restrain from skipping any scene with him, but Gaspard, oh god, he's overweight, spineless, acts like a 4 year old (Mireille was TONS better as a 4 year old), PINK, and uh, just plain annoying. It takes my whole self-restrain to avoid throwing the controller at the screen or utter uninteligible curses online or offline. Other than that and Haseo's asshole phase, I'm actually fond of the characters. Atoli is cute, Pi and Kuhn are superb, and Ovan is an asshole x100.

But uh, yes, .hack always spouts my love to MMORPGs back, like 99.9% of .hack fans out there, I would flatten myself on the ground and kiss Matsuyama Hiroshi's stinky toes as the prez of CC Corp if there's actually The World online in the future. Highly unlikely, but imagination has no limits. I want to feel once again the appealing world of MMORPGs after quitting for more than a year back (well, still play from time to time, but my addiction had long gone), by buying FFXI, a game I dreamt of since I heard of its release. Worst case I won't play it past a week due to the bad reviews it gets from being a too group-oriented game, but it would fulfill my curiosity, with the hopes that it'll be different from other generic MMORGPs where people can practically solo all the way till cap level. Much more chance of interacting too (and actually have friends ingame). Go The World, go me!

Now, Fast Food Nation (the movie) is crap. For the first 40 mins or so I had this 'WTF' expressoin on my face. I know their idea of simultaneously incorporating the lives of several people (Mickey's counter girl, Illegal Mexican immigrants, Vice prez of Mickey's marketing thing) to show how the fast food industry (or more correctly, how they manufacture the meats) work. But nooo, it was an utter failure. Instead of the food industry scenes, I was more interested of the illegal Mexican immigrants, how the girl threw away her dignity by consenting sex with the scum of earth supervisor of the meat plant. Of course, there was the problem of too many goddamn sex noises. Not that I'm against it, but gods, not to mention that I had my TV at full blare, but some sex scenes were just... random. Like the one with the lesbians dirty talking and moaning at each other's boobs. Whatever.

Maybe I'm just shallow and couldn't pull the small pieces together, but sadly this movie had some many pieces being scattered around it's almost impossible for the non-book readers to fully grasp what the hell is this movie trying to convey. They have:

1. A Mickey's counter girl that... well, she was there to free up cows in the end.
2. The vice prez of Mickey's marketing section who later learnt that his boss sleeps with the secretary, and after some pep-talk decided ignore whatever was going on at the meat plant. He went home. The end.
3. A good girl type illegal Mexican immigrant whose sister sleeps (and has nice 'crank' parties) with an asshold supervisor that fucks every moving thing, a husband that lost his leg because he was taking drugs at work (ignoring the fact that his wife HATES it).
4. Activists. They free up cows. Avril Lavigne get to be the weird emo chick. The end.
5. Uh, dead cows.
6. Untrue depictions of how fast food chains' kitchens operate. Yes, I asked around. Sydney High schools, the land of part time in fast food chains work. (Not sure about less popular fast food chains)
7. Visual stimulation of delicious looking hamburgers. Infact, I promised myself to order McDonalds the next day. I didn't, of course. Bali is SO unpractical, having no money in my wallet, I mean.

A nice good biased list of a narrow minded kid, eh? Now I shall tell you of the end. Yes, the end, how rich and fulfilling it was, with beautiful heart breaking scenes of a group of dear activist rights (or whatever. Did not pay attention to their whatever name) freeing cows.

Yes, freeing cows. Cue credits.

The end.

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0 musings




Saturday, June 16, 2007

Chapters of Life
[Waiting in Vain @ 8:05 PM]



Once upon a time, there was a girl called S____. She entered a school with the initial of D____, starting from the 6th grade. Being neither cute, ugly, obnoxious, smart, or anything unique, she was what people would define as 'bland'. A german descent, she blended in quite fast with the diverse population of the said school. Yet, despite all of her qualities, and despite how she blended in with her looks, she was, putting it kindly, singled out by her class. They shunned her, ceased to talk to her, and quite openly criticized the way she did things, the way she looked, her habits, and anything else they can put their grubby fingers on. This girl, a particularly chubby girl that had been in the school since the first grade observed the habitual bullying with much indifference. She was neither particularly cruel, nor friendly towards S____. Occasionally she would join in with the bullying, talking about S____ behind her back at lunch time with her group of friends (consisting of 99% boys), but sometimes she would defer and help the newcomer with her things. The latter was not out of pity, but out of her dual-natured habit of never having only one facade.

She did not understand then, why such an ordinary girl was bullied so, when S____ did nothing wrong and looked quite ordinary; or perhaps the girl's memory, writing this five years later had failed to recount the details of her primary school life. But the fact that girl was bullied, and she participated in it, despite less severely than others, didn't quite change. In the end, S____ moved, and she, nor most of the students in that class never bothered to inquire about her destination. And here, five years later, for the first time, she contemplated about it.

"How scary it is to be bullied like that," she thought, and she recalled the blurry details. "How scary it is, if I were to experience something like that." But she did experience it, and she recalled it none too clearly, how passing jokes about her weight and her looks lowered her self-esteem so that one day she decided to stop going to school at the 8th grade. And that was it. She was ugly, overweight, and perhaps the only redeeming feature was her quick mind. Tired of being such an ugly creature, she decided to change. She changed the way she looked, the way she walked, the way she talked, and despite all the changes, the fact that she was once bullied, the wounds caused by the unrelenting cruelty of children never healed. It opened bigger and bigger, up to the point that she thought, that maybe it'll be easier if she never became self-conscious of her body, or that if she never took the jokes seriously and instead laughed along with their jests. She was much happier then.

That wasn't possible, she knew, and knows. A mind too liberated will never return to its earlier stage of bliss. Or bliss it is, the desire to never experience change. If she could have a say, she would rather remain in her childish ignorance, unaware of the world outside her life. Yet change is cruel and gentle, pacing us, slowly unfolding the chapters within our life until at last, our mind reeled at the sudden change it's experiencing. "What happened?" It would ask, what happened to the world we were so intimately familiar with? And there would be no other answer, except change.

This girl, 15 years of age, three months shy of being 16, longs for both; change, and an unchanging world. She longs for this chapter to finish, yet she can't bear to see it draw its conclusion and set pace to a whole passage vastly unfamiliar to her. She is afraid of being like S___, if one day people would simply not accept her and treat her like the people of her past did with S___. If that happens, she would not escape to the world of pain like she did before; but instead accept it as a punishment for the things she deserves and does not deserve.

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Me

Name: Cynn
Age: Young. Very Young.

An outlook of my life, fueled not by creativity, but by the sheer need to vent. This is me, a bit depressive, a bit cold, sometimes suicidally hyper, but always longing for something I don't have. Feel free to walk my life, feel the indecisive, fleeting world of a teenager struggling to be better in her makeshift world.

Actually, I think I prefer you don't.


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Wishlist

Toshiba Gigabeat 30g
Hair coloring - very light brown
Better marks
Rhapsody vol II and III (thanks to sis)
Better headphones PX100!
WTB: Friend
Wrist tattoo
A dog Bonbon!


Misc

Coded and designed by me. Rip and I'll castrate you with blunt things. Image used courtesy to me, edited using Photoshop 7.



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