Stagnation

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hitting the Wall
[Waiting in Vain @

Have you ever gazed at something, unwittingly, and a memory so strong hit you squarely that you almost forgot to breathe, and you clawed, tried to go over that invisible wall, only falling down again and again? Have you ever caught a sniff of something, a place, and suddenly you remember a long forgotten place, a warmth, perhaps, or a sense of peace that you knew you had, once, but cannot recall?

I wanted to cry, sometimes. Because that sudden longing wasn't lenient, it hit me will full force, it took the breath out of me, and I hated it. Because for once I glimpsed something that I cannot reach, for the invisible wall, for I know not that it is real or a mere fantasy I conjured as an escape. I loved the feeling it brought with it, but I hated falling off the wall.

I wanted to cry, sometimes.

Labels: Contemplation

2 musings

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Chapters of Life
[Waiting in Vain @

Once upon a time, there was a girl called S____. She entered a school with the initial of D____, starting from the 6th grade. Being neither cute, ugly, obnoxious, smart, or anything unique, she was what people would define as 'bland'. A german descent, she blended in quite fast with the diverse population of the said school. Yet, despite all of her qualities, and despite how she blended in with her looks, she was, putting it kindly, singled out by her class. They shunned her, ceased to talk to her, and quite openly criticized the way she did things, the way she looked, her habits, and anything else they can put their grubby fingers on. This girl, a particularly chubby girl that had been in the school since the first grade observed the habitual bullying with much indifference. She was neither particularly cruel, nor friendly towards S____. Occasionally she would join in with the bullying, talking about S____ behind her back at lunch time with her group of friends (consisting of 99% boys), but sometimes she would defer and help the newcomer with her things. The latter was not out of pity, but out of her dual-natured habit of never having only one facade.

She did not understand then, why such an ordinary girl was bullied so, when S____ did nothing wrong and looked quite ordinary; or perhaps the girl's memory, writing this five years later had failed to recount the details of her primary school life. But the fact that girl was bullied, and she participated in it, despite less severely than others, didn't quite change. In the end, S____ moved, and she, nor most of the students in that class never bothered to inquire about her destination. And here, five years later, for the first time, she contemplated about it.

"How scary it is to be bullied like that," she thought, and she recalled the blurry details. "How scary it is, if I were to experience something like that." But she did experience it, and she recalled it none too clearly, how passing jokes about her weight and her looks lowered her self-esteem so that one day she decided to stop going to school at the 8th grade. And that was it. She was ugly, overweight, and perhaps the only redeeming feature was her quick mind. Tired of being such an ugly creature, she decided to change. She changed the way she looked, the way she walked, the way she talked, and despite all the changes, the fact that she was once bullied, the wounds caused by the unrelenting cruelty of children never healed. It opened bigger and bigger, up to the point that she thought, that maybe it'll be easier if she never became self-conscious of her body, or that if she never took the jokes seriously and instead laughed along with their jests. She was much happier then.

That wasn't possible, she knew, and knows. A mind too liberated will never return to its earlier stage of bliss. Or bliss it is, the desire to never experience change. If she could have a say, she would rather remain in her childish ignorance, unaware of the world outside her life. Yet change is cruel and gentle, pacing us, slowly unfolding the chapters within our life until at last, our mind reeled at the sudden change it's experiencing. "What happened?" It would ask, what happened to the world we were so intimately familiar with? And there would be no other answer, except change.

This girl, 15 years of age, three months shy of being 16, longs for both; change, and an unchanging world. She longs for this chapter to finish, yet she can't bear to see it draw its conclusion and set pace to a whole passage vastly unfamiliar to her. She is afraid of being like S___, if one day people would simply not accept her and treat her like the people of her past did with S___. If that happens, she would not escape to the world of pain like she did before; but instead accept it as a punishment for the things she deserves and does not deserve.

Labels: Contemplation, Life, School

0 musings

Friday, December 29, 2006

An Update of My Life
[Waiting in Vain @

Just because I need to know where my life is currently going. My depressing is still here, and lingering, but I'm now pretty stabile, emotionally, so it's not bothering me as much, apart from the severe pangs of loneliness here and there.

One thing I find amusing is the time when I mentioned to my RNF (retarded normal friend) that my bathroom in Bali is as big as my current apartment. She went like, yeah riiiight... So I find that amusing, because my shower is as big as my bathroom right now, which explains my state of depression when I just arrived here, only to find my room as as big as my MAIDS' ROOM. Ok, my house in Bali isn't exactly the upscale type. If you see around my neighboorhood, it's probably something similar like those rich neighborhood type in American soapies. I won't go into details on how extravagant and oversized some houses there are. I'm just tired of living in a life bordering on poverty right now.

Which really isn't poverty per se, I'm sure that's just in my mind, but I'm facing the enormous pressure of managing my own financial situation, keeping myself alife, and taking care of myself overall. When I was back there, I dreamt of a life of independence, but now I find it tiring. Sometimes it's nice to have someone to look after you when you're sick, to cook for you, or to arrange those darn appointments to the doctor that you have. I want to be back to my life as 'Daddy's princess' again, but I'm sure when that finally can happen, I'll be too used to this kind of lifestyle of fleeting depression and financial stress to ever entirely rely on him again.

I haven't been talking to him, and in reality is trying to avoid doing so, mainly because for one reason or another, talking with him is always depressing, flirting with hope and sweet entices, which I know will never happen. I take comfort in oversleeping now, because then there won't be enough time for me to think about complicated things....

Labels: Contemplation

0 musings

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Another thing about pain
[Waiting in Vain @

The thing is, I just realized exactly a day ago that the worst pain EVER is not being headbutted by your nephew, but by pulling your calf muscle at your sleep. Well, it all started when I was suddenly awake by the twitching on my leg, (yknow, the type when you unconsciously moved something, and your brain is kinda late to respon) and from previous experience I know what would happen next.

In the next split milisecond my mind was literally screaming something like, "Oh god, no, no, no, no, please no, no, no, NO" and the last one happened exactly when I couldn't control my leg, and it twitched on its own, pulling a muscle (although from the pain it might as well be 10), and sent it searing with a pain so intense last time I literally sobbed, begging to some imaginary deity for it to stop. Pathetic, I know, but it happened so many times that it stopped being funny and right now I just hope with all my puny life I would never EVER experience it again.

And every time it happened, I had to be awake a few short seconds before I realized what was going to happen, but never had the time to stop that involuntary twitching/mysterious movement, that sent someone like me, who only ever cried from depression, sobbing like a pathetic idiot. I mean, it hurt way more than the time I accidentally bumped into the corner of a table with a force (and on the part) that would render the male species unable to breed, which happens quite numerously. I think there's a reason for me to be born a female; me being a male would mean instant death [to my lower parts].

Anyhow, I've been dreaming of being killed/stalked by a killer, falling (the typical one where you wake up with your heart racing), and seeing my mom when she was healthy way too much lately. I wonder what's up...

God, I hate those being killed/stalked by a killer/escaping from a killer/watching people being multilated dreams. It always gives me the creeps when I woke up.

Labels: Contemplation

0 musings

Being Close
[Waiting in Vain @

The more you know someone, the more you get to see their imperfection and flaws. This is why close friends occasionally get into a fight. Because they know each other so well, sometimes it's hard to tolerate their friend's unpleasant behaviour. The same thing can be said about lovers or married couple. The more you know your loved one, the more you realise that this person is not as perfect as you thought he/she was when you two first met. It's an inevitable part of a human life, a 'Hedgehog's dillema'. The closer you get to someone, the more likely you're going to hurt, dislike, or being hurt/disliked by that person.

-quoted from http://www.designchronicle.com/memento/archives/jigokushoujo_futakomori_ep03.html

I just have to agree on that. I noticed my reluctance on becoming too close to someone when I started withdrawing myself when I felt like I've known him/her too much, and in the end our friendship would drift away to those of mere acquintances. It was always perplexing when this happened, and it wasn't once or twice that I contemplated on my unexpected behaviour, but no matter how much I wanted to have a close friend for once, I can't bear to get closer, perhaps because I've realized that the closer we got, the more I know about that person that I don't want to know, and s/he'll know more about me than what I'm comfortable to let in. And of course someday that relationship will also end, most probably drifting away by time, or severed by the imperfections we see on each other. I became the executioner, severing the tie before it got too deep that it can hurt me.

So here I am, friendly at first, smiling, pleasant, then slowly withdrawing until you feel you don't know me anymore. It happened a few times, and I doubt it'll stop now. Of course, feeling tormented from what I brought to myself doesn't help either, but I can't help it.

It's also getting quite annoying, because if this goes on I'll die a lonely death when I'm 65, alone in a solitary apartment with 8 dogs... Actually, make that 5, my favorite number. Or even more tragic, dying without ever experiencing the thing called love that humans favor so much. Which is probably overrated, but curiosity will soon get me, and dying with your biggest curiosity unsatisfied would be... scary.

Labels: Contemplation

0 musings

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Pathetic
[Waiting in Vain @

Cyn's PokéPet

Ugyaaah! the level 76 Jolteon!

Ok, shut up. I know I'm pathetic.

*Goes off to dig old pokemon game*

Labels: Contemplation, Humor

0 musings

A certain song...
[Waiting in Vain @

Conversations with my thirteen year old self - Pink

You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

For apparent reasons, no song holds more truth that this, even though I remember I'm just a simpleton when I was 13, only becoming complicated when I turn 14, and the complexity continues till now. Quite possibly till I graduate and go to college and beyond, if my life goes around in this loop. Ah the happy days of being 13... I wish I would never grow up.

Edit: I decided to adopt a crapload of pokeballs. Because I still love pokemon. Don't give me that look.

Labels: Contemplation, Depression, Life

0 musings