Fast Food Nation, Porn, FFXI, .hack
[Waiting in Vain @

Depressive state: over. Sheesh, sometimes I think I might have a bi-polar disorder, but of course, since it changes pretty flawlessly from a depressive state to a normal happy-go-lucky phase, I would call it, uh, actually, nevermind.

So, I finally decided to ask my dad to buy me FFXI: The Vana'diel Collection 2007, well, not right now, but probably in a week or two seeing that it takes time to ship it over, and wiring money. I must say that I've decided to try FFXI (4 years too late?) because I recently picked up .hack//G.U Rebirth at the DVD store, and managed to beat it in 3 days. Over a year ago I played .hack, but for some unknown reason, I stopped right before the final boss at .hack//mutation, and I haven't picked it up since, although I must admit its battle system pales in comparison with G.U (WTF? No more rengeki?! It takes 982532759 seconds to chase a running enemy?!), G.U's rengeki system and the battle barrier is a brilliant idea. The downside, however, is how the two most annoying characters I've played in games somehow gets incorporated in it; namely Gaspard and Pyros 3. Pyros I can tolerate (immunity built from originial .hack?), since I just skip his story events and try to restrain from skipping any scene with him, but Gaspard, oh god, he's overweight, spineless, acts like a 4 year old (Mireille was TONS better as a 4 year old), PINK, and uh, just plain annoying. It takes my whole self-restrain to avoid throwing the controller at the screen or utter uninteligible curses online or offline. Other than that and Haseo's asshole phase, I'm actually fond of the characters. Atoli is cute, Pi and Kuhn are superb, and Ovan is an asshole x100.

But uh, yes, .hack always spouts my love to MMORPGs back, like 99.9% of .hack fans out there, I would flatten myself on the ground and kiss Matsuyama Hiroshi's stinky toes as the prez of CC Corp if there's actually The World online in the future. Highly unlikely, but imagination has no limits. I want to feel once again the appealing world of MMORPGs after quitting for more than a year back (well, still play from time to time, but my addiction had long gone), by buying FFXI, a game I dreamt of since I heard of its release. Worst case I won't play it past a week due to the bad reviews it gets from being a too group-oriented game, but it would fulfill my curiosity, with the hopes that it'll be different from other generic MMORGPs where people can practically solo all the way till cap level. Much more chance of interacting too (and actually have friends ingame). Go The World, go me!

Now, Fast Food Nation (the movie) is crap. For the first 40 mins or so I had this 'WTF' expressoin on my face. I know their idea of simultaneously incorporating the lives of several people (Mickey's counter girl, Illegal Mexican immigrants, Vice prez of Mickey's marketing thing) to show how the fast food industry (or more correctly, how they manufacture the meats) work. But nooo, it was an utter failure. Instead of the food industry scenes, I was more interested of the illegal Mexican immigrants, how the girl threw away her dignity by consenting sex with the scum of earth supervisor of the meat plant. Of course, there was the problem of too many goddamn sex noises. Not that I'm against it, but gods, not to mention that I had my TV at full blare, but some sex scenes were just... random. Like the one with the lesbians dirty talking and moaning at each other's boobs. Whatever.

Maybe I'm just shallow and couldn't pull the small pieces together, but sadly this movie had some many pieces being scattered around it's almost impossible for the non-book readers to fully grasp what the hell is this movie trying to convey. They have:

1. A Mickey's counter girl that... well, she was there to free up cows in the end.
2. The vice prez of Mickey's marketing section who later learnt that his boss sleeps with the secretary, and after some pep-talk decided ignore whatever was going on at the meat plant. He went home. The end.
3. A good girl type illegal Mexican immigrant whose sister sleeps (and has nice 'crank' parties) with an asshold supervisor that fucks every moving thing, a husband that lost his leg because he was taking drugs at work (ignoring the fact that his wife HATES it).
4. Activists. They free up cows. Avril Lavigne get to be the weird emo chick. The end.
5. Uh, dead cows.
6. Untrue depictions of how fast food chains' kitchens operate. Yes, I asked around. Sydney High schools, the land of part time in fast food chains work. (Not sure about less popular fast food chains)
7. Visual stimulation of delicious looking hamburgers. Infact, I promised myself to order McDonalds the next day. I didn't, of course. Bali is SO unpractical, having no money in my wallet, I mean.

A nice good biased list of a narrow minded kid, eh? Now I shall tell you of the end. Yes, the end, how rich and fulfilling it was, with beautiful heart breaking scenes of a group of dear activist rights (or whatever. Did not pay attention to their whatever name) freeing cows.

Yes, freeing cows. Cue credits.

The end.

Labels: Game, Movie, Rant, Review

0 musings

Late Night
[Waiting in Vain @

Late night snack includes:

- Sausage
- Chips
- Pocky
- Cookies with milk

I'm gonna get fat. I know it!

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Weirdo III
[Waiting in Vain @

For a lack of better title. Never claimed I have a creative mind. Anyways, it seems like I have the habit of laughing at corny things, which includes my own posts for some reason. So yesterday I went to the city with Majma, and again, we were approached by some weirdo. Imagine this scene: a gloomy park, 1 emo looking girl, another oversized one, sitting on a bench, on a windy afternoon. Peaceful? Well, that peaceful atmosphere was shattered when a guy suddenly went behind us, and in a loud voice, said something about taking a picture. In that split second, me being a slow thinker, I thought he wanted us to take a pic of him or something, but suddenly his friend got in front of us, and started aiming a camera. Yes, me being a slow thinker, realized that he was posing WITH us. Seeing that we had this "OMG WTF!?" look on our faces, he said "Smile! This is a fun time! Have fun!" Not knowing what else to do short of squirming and bolting away, I forced a half smile, which looked more like I'm either busting or have extreme tummy ache, and the camera snapped, which in more than 2 seconds after they bolted.

.............

I have this nice hunch that we were either laughed at after that, or going to appear somewhere in some random blog. Or it was a dare. I favor two of the latter, and Majma thinks it's the first and the last choice.

Oh well. Obviously, I'm not the weirdo magnet here. I've found the source.

As for my depression, I'm feeling relatively stable these past week, no lingering thought on suicide, or overwhelming depression. Mildly, yes, but the change of stability is refreshing. I've also taken care on taking the pill every day.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Anime crazed fans
[Waiting in Vain @

I don't know why, but I'm starting to despise those hardcore anime/manga fans. It's a bit contradictory, as I was pretty hardcore too, way back then, but I was around 10-13 years old and couldn't know better. Now I regularly encounter people in their 20s who is STILL into anime, and have a dream to go to Japan JUST for anime/the girls/hentai things. Each time I meet those kinda of people, it's probably pretty tame to say that I feel like flying over to wherever they are, and beat the hell out of them for having no common sense.

People who don't know me better (which the contradictory is quite non-existant), would think I'm a hardcore, anime/manga crazed fan when I told them that once, I downloaded 50 GB of anime/manga/drama in a month. Sometimes I explain patiently to them that most of the things I downloaded are left in my harddisk/burned dvd untouched, but most of the time I just let it go. I download anime/manga just for the sake of downloading, or to watch when I'm extremely bored, or feeling extremely laid back. THEN I would grab some food and sit in front of my anime watching some random anime while I concentrate more on the food. Only when I found an extemely likeable character did I even try to watch the whole series. I find it very hard nowadays to totally get into anything. It's like I don't enjoy doing things I used to like... one of the downsides of depression, I guess. The only thing I can play without being bored the first few hours is World of Dungeons which I've played for about 5-6 months already. Probably because my group depends on me so much. Other than that I'll have no qualms about leaving that game too.

I prefer hanging with game fans, they have much more common sense than geeky anime fans. Pity in an all girls school there's basically zilch. All I know is this punky goth chick (which is pretty scary), and my Japanese teacher. Yep, a teacher. And here I am always thinking that they have no life...

While I'm at it, I'm also gonna rant about my wacky (possibly the weirdest person I've ever met) friend's sister. Not that I've ever talked to the sister, but she's scary. One day, when I was standing idly in front of my roll call room (that damn teacher is ALWAYS late), this punk/goth/emo girl that looks like she just jumped out of a manga walked by, and while doing so casted a side way glance at way. I remember going, "Holy shit, she's scary!". From that point onwards I decided to avoid every punk/goth/rocker/emo person I encounter. Only later did I just remember that she's the little sister of that wacky friend of mine. And trust me, they look NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING alike. While the sister is weird, funny, idiotic... in a nice way, this girl is gloomy, dark, emo looking, and scary. And had a LOT of makeup on.

Talk about genetic differences... Remind me again why I used to want a sister, and kept pestering my mom about it. Thank god I'm actually the only child (half brothers do not count since they're... adults, and we have our own separate lives). Although it can get lonely at times... sometimes I really wish for a person I can share my feelings with. Having none, naturally I resort to a blog. Although it seems that while I have no one to confide in, I've become the person my friend(s) go to when they want to confide about their depression (and one of them is actually pretty fucked up. Smiling and acting like a cheerful idiot to hide her depression... almost sounds like an emo anime). It seems that I am that KIND of person. I long for the day that person will come... which is probably never.

Labels: Rant, School

0 musings

The Joys of Hair Cut
[Waiting in Vain @

Just cut my hair on some random, cheap barber (because I happen to be going to the wrong direction, when in fact the barber I originally sought was at a completely different direction. So I thought, what the hell...), and boy, I feel kinda refreshed. I'm ready to shout joy to the world for the disappearance of my dead hair, and along that the morning hassles of making it at least presentable. Now I can just wake 20 mins before school, get dressed super fast, brush my teeth, comb my hair fleetingly, grab my usual cheese for breakfast, and rush off to school.

It's how refreshed I feel right now. Since my hair is wavy and thick, it's really prone to dead hair ends when I let it grow long, which can be more than a hassle, bordering on unnecessary morning frustration (I can't understand how those girls who wear makeup can survive waking up). The Chinese lady with a really bad accent that cut my hair totally chopped off all the dead bits, leaving me with a hair that only reaches the part of my neck where the invertebrae becomes noticable when you bend your neck. It's kinda regretful, and I have this fleeting impression that having short hair when you're a tall, hulking thing doesn't really fit. But what the hell... at least now (hopefully), I won't look like a drug user (from my lack of sleep), or a smoker (from my poor, poor eating habits), which was even more prominent by ex-messy, unkept hair suffering from dead ends.

Yay for haircut! What's left now is japanese straight perm it, and color it brown, blue, or red.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Computer outage
[Waiting in Vain @

I'm feeling mildly depressed today. Not because of my usual "oh my life is so crappy" situation, but because this H-game I've waiting to play for like, 2 years couldn't work on my PC. No matter how hard I try. I mean, if the only solution of getting it to work is to buy another PC, forget it. I can just imagine the conversation with my dad...

Me: Hey dad, can I have another PC, like, now?
Dad: What? What for?
Me: Because I wanna play this H-game...
Dad: H-game?

...Yeah. Still depressed. So I decided to play this other game that supposedly is so fucking depressing/sad it makes everyone who plays it cry. Of course it contains incest, like every sane japanese H-game out there.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Future Mothers
[Waiting in Vain @

So there I was, silently reading my book as I was feeling a bit depressed and pissed, listening to the usual group bickering and making silly jokes at each other nonchalantly. I was planning on staying quiet till the end of recess, but this particular topic caught my attention. Being a mother. Yep, being a mother. Now I was wondering why the hell they were talking about that stuff when we're well- 10 something years short of being one ourselves. And so I closed my book and chimed in, giving inputs, argued, and ocassionally confusing people by mumbling like a shaman.

Now, from what I gathered, 3 from 9 of us plans on adopting (because we fear pain), about 3 says "Hell no!" to adopting and plans on giving birth, 1 decided that giving her life to family is an awful idea, and ultimately resents to notion to fall in love ("Your motherly instincts haven't been fully developed," I said), and 1 absolutely likes kids and plans to give birth to one and adopt one, and the last one didn't give a clear enough opinion. I know, what's the best way to spend your lunch time but discuss about giving birth, eh? It's also interesting that they think it's too late to marry at the age of near 30, but I retorted that it gives you enough maturity, and all that crap.

Of course, when this particular girl said that there's absolutely no good guy in the world, which all the others deftly agree with (we're all boyfriendless, if you haven't noticed. The only one who has it was busy eyeing her phone trying to contact a new guy. Pssh, teen girls...), I retorted swiftly by saying, "Stop being so pessimistic", which they replied back with a 'Yeah, coming from you?'. "What? Whaaaat?" Seemed to be my only answer to that. But there's a base to me saying that there might be a good guy in this world, because there's one example in my life. Naming my brother. Seriously, he's the most capable, ideal husband I have encountered. Not that I have a brother complex or whatever, it would just be nice to meet a guy like him. I know, an idealistic thought by a teen girl in puberty.

Sooo... where was I again? Yes, that girl. I fear that she actually hates the male species. Based on her reaction on normal teenage crush, love, and good guys. But of course I haven't came around to asking her about that. Maybe later. After a lot more minutes of debating, telling each other about the best way to give birth, making weird faces at each other's notions, and deciding whether to adopt or not, this other girl had finally walked away, saying "What are we? A group of future mothers?" really loudly.

I agree.

Labels: Humor, Rant, School

0 musings

Update
[Waiting in Vain @

Update:
1. I've finished a container of Nutella in two days.
2. I almost snapped my nect upon leaning back in a super fast motion.
3. My net boycotted me when I left it to microwave a microwable meal.
4. I'm gonna write random nonsense like this until I'm past being delusioned by sickness.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

............
[Waiting in Vain @

Because I'm sick, and groggy, and morbidly mortified upon realizing that I'm no superhuman and deep cuts take more that 10 minutes to heal, I'm going to rant about the apparent brother complexness that almost all little sister characters in Japanese anime seem to suffer.

What is it with them and sisters wooing over her own brother and having all those sick fantasies involving them and weddings and ... things... inappropriate? That's just not normal in any way possible, unless you count them incest partners normal, that is, which I suspect you might as well go to the psychiatrist, like, now.

Either way, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about here, so I'm gonna shut up and plop back to bed, hoping that I won't be well tomorrow so I can skip school without guilt involving.

.....And also addicted to cutting, it seems. Realized that last night. Oh well. No harm done except my carpet and some of my school paper work being stained by what suspiciously looks alot like ketchup.

Ciao. For now. I'll be back.

Labels: Depression, Rant

0 musings

Getting Lost
[Waiting in Vain @

And NO, I'm not gonna go into details on how I seem to acquire a talent of getting lost at the most obvious places, god no, the only viable explanation I can offer now is that I've inherited my mom's utter lack of sense of direction. And her height. And her temper. And her deep, deeeeeep inside compassion for people (covered by an iron wall 20 meters thick, except with me), her skin (no, not white, but soft, which is now marred by my ex-cutting rampage and apparent lack of nutrition), and etc. Pity I don't inherit her looks. Which is those porcelain-like Shanghai people. Which would make me more acceptable in China. Which thank god did NOT happen because then I'd be dwarfed to their size. Which is uncool. Or cool. Depends on my complex of the day.

But one thing I definitely did not inherit from her is her lack of socially accepting people. I guess her being brought up in a posh, rich, upper class family had kind of distorted her view on the world, and the people in it. Now I'm trying to undistort that perspective, and stop her from snapping at people all the time (except at me).

And I guess I forgot what I was gonna write originally. Except that I hate PE. I still have stomach cramps from doing 2 sets of situps last Friday. Anyway, appart from getting lost, and forgetting to bring my money for the stupid gym thing, this lady at some chinese restaurant was also rude to me. Well, maybe her chinese-ridden accent made everything she said rude, but to me she's rude as hell, so I calmly said, "No thanks, I guess I'm not eating here", and exited the restaurant, vowing to never come back again.

One more thing I inherited from her: My temper. Which I don't really show that I've lost it, except at the time of the month, but yeah- a lot of people had died in my fantasy lately. Excluding me. No, seriously.

@The romanian guy who had transformed into a girl overnight to comment of my blog: Ef you :)

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Awkward Day at the Restaurant
[Waiting in Vain @

Chinese restaurant, to be precise. Imagine yourself entering a small restaurant full of Chinese speaking full fledged mandarin, and you were there alone, not being able to speak it, and looking awkward standing there like an idiot. At least that was what happened to me. I almost decided not to eat there, but I braced myself and entered. And boy, eating alone was awkward. Especially if you don't really look Chinese, nor speak the language. See? The complexity of being half. I don't look Indonesian to Indonesians, neither do I look Chinese to Chinese. Like someone said, I guess I look me. But sometimes it's awkward, damnit.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

El Weirdo part 2
[Waiting in Vain @

I wonder if somehow I managed to have a big fat label, "Target for weirdos!" stamped on my forehead that's only visible to weirdos. Highly possible. This time it's not merely an old guy with an incomprehensible foreign accent, but a foot fetishist, weird old guy with an incomprehensible foreign accent that might as well be a mental patient. No, I'm not exaggerating. Mjm and I were walking down the road to god knows where we were walking, and this old man suddenly snuck up between us and said to me, "You have big feet, do you boyfriend cuddle them?" Or something similar to that effect. I can see her kinda snickering behind me, and I'm sure my face either contorted into a, "WTF!?", "Did he just knock his head?", or, "Damn you calling my feet big!" expression. But I guess I was too shocked to even bother playing face-contortion. I proceeded to say politely, that no, I don't have any boyfriend, and he said something back about scrubbing my feet hard, and using one to place on my imaginary boyfriend's knee, and another on his other something, I didn't understand most of his sayings due to his weird accent.

After finishing with me, he decided to make Mjm the target, still on about her feet, and STILL mentioning my feet doing obscene things with my imaginary boyfriend. After budgering us for some more, with me listening politely with my nice, fake smile, he left us alone.

...................

My theory on that particular old man:
1. He's a perverted foot fetishist
2. He's old, thus senile
3. He escaped from a mental asylum

I vote for 3.

And I was still wondering why he decided to pick on me in particular when mjm's shoes size is only 2 sizes smaller. I guess I really carry that stamp around.

Coming tomorrow: (Or in 12 hours)
Humping poles, kissing statues, a couple I want to bash so badly, disturbing images involving a guy, goats, dogs, and cows.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Tick-Tock
[Waiting in Vain @

45:24 minutes till I finally get my hands back at WoW after a long period of no meeting. I simply can't wait to play my dear rogue again- even if that means having to re-explore places again, since I've quite simply forgotten everything, including the locations of the instances. Hey, but at least I still know my brainless hotkeys, spam 2-2-2-2-2-2-2-3-2-2-2-2-2-3-repeat, ss+evis=no brainer rogue combo. I won't deny that. Since now I'm playing with broadband, I'm thinking about retraining to be a backstabber- gonna be fun. Whee!

On the other hand, I spend pretty much most of my day staying pissed, due to a certain bitch I had the pleasure to spend my sunny Saturday with. Details will follow if I can regain control of my temper again.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Record Outbreak
[Waiting in Vain @

A month ago my record of the latest waking time was still 1 pm, and that was when I was sleeping later than normal. Today my record was broken by my surprising late, alas, that was an understatement, shall I add VERY late waking time? I imagine it being so if I had to triple check the watch in my living room, then my wristwatch, then my PC (I would also consult my phone watch if it's not lying there dead and useless), until I can finally believe that I've not only broken my record, but I believe my whole family's record too. Yes, I slept for 15 hours straight, waking up at the ripe time of 3.30 PM, by then my lunch time was over, and I missed my appointment with my psychiatrist. My plan on grabbing lunch on a Chinese restaurant was also badly ruined.

I still can't believe I woke up so darn late when I slept at a mere 12 o'clock, the day before I slept at 3 AM, and woke up at 7. Talk about unnerving. Even though annoying is more precise. Now I'm going to spend my whole holiday like the dork that I aspire to be, holed up in my room, chatting to people I've never met...

I think my body decided that today was a payback time for the times when I forced it to stay up well beyond its sleeping time. I'm sorry, I'll strive to sleep in time now, just don't wake up at 3.30 PM again, I beg you.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

El Weirdo
[Waiting in Vain @

And my definition of the term, 'weird' is pretty blurred lately, whatnot with me sharing a blog with a rabid panda, or being stalked upon randomly (last time still brought chills). This time, it's a harmless old guy. Here goes; I was sitting on some brick wall leading to some run down (inside is VERY modern) apartment, because of a stomach ache (walking + drinking milk + full stomach = bad idea), when this old crickety spanish guy pain-stalking slowly walked towards the direction I'm sitting. It seemed that he was taking his time walking, as I tried to divert my gaze to anywhere but his, as I have this strange feeling he's looking at me somehow. Then, unexpectly he said 'how are you', to me? I was like, 'huh?' since his accent is very spanishy and bad, mind you. So after repeating a few times, I said simply, 'Good', while imposing a fake (I'm good at those, really) grin. Then he said, 'Good girl, I like', and proceeded to stalk away mumbling some Spanish gibberish.

First expression that came to mind: o_O?

What. The. Hell. Exactly, what the hell? What kind of person approaches a stranger and ended up saying, "Good girl, I like"? It'll be appropriate if I'm a 5 year old sucking some popsicle, but gosh, I barely LOOK 15. Old people these days... *shakes head*

Up until now I still fail to grasp that old man's meaning/intention. The world can be full of mysteries sometimes, and most of them originates from the pieces and bits of conversations you have with people.

Labels: Rant

1 musings

Another Layout...
[Waiting in Vain @

Another layout... yet AGAIN. Geez, I don't know why I'm so obsessed at creating layouts. Well, not really, but I am. Obsessed I mean. I just like figuring out how those css code works, and I must say I'm pretty good at it after 1 whole day of staring at the codes riddling my monitor with my trusty coffee at hand. I'm gooood. I just need to learn how to map images, and make those overlapping div layer, you know, when you click at something, another div layer loads in place of the original one? Yeah, it'll come in time, I guess.

I still can't figure out how to get rid of that stinking nav bar though, it's horrendously visible to anyone who uses resolution bigger than 1024 x 768. Sucks, I know. Someone help me...

Labels: Rant

1 musings

My Aspirations...
[Waiting in Vain @

My life goals for the future: (and its percent of completion)

Study in Japan for 2/3 years - 30% completed. Persuasion done.
Be a complete nerd aka dork - -10%, gotta get rid of my undorky attire.
Propose to Dan of Brasov in 3 years - 20%, 2 years to go, and a few thousand buck to save up (and no, don't ask me if I'm serious or not, most likely I'll find something better to do meanwhile)
Be a good kid and study lots, and never skip school - -30%, just... Impossible.
Get rid of this depression - -50%, see above.

...Hey, I guess I really don't have any worthwhile goals except the first one. Sad... I know.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Name: Cynn
Age: Young. Very Young.

An outlook of my life, fueled not by creativity, but by the sheer need to vent. This is me, a bit depressive, a bit cold, sometimes suicidally hyper, but always longing for something I don't have. Feel free to walk my life, feel the indecisive, fleeting world of a teenager struggling to be better in her makeshift world.

Actually, I think I prefer you don't.

Archives

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Labels

Blog
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Wishlist

Toshiba Gigabeat 30g
Hair coloring - very light brown
Better marks
Rhapsody vol II and III (thanks to sis)
Better headphones PX100!
WTB: Friend
Wrist tattoo
A dog Bonbon!

Misc

Coded and designed by me. Rip and I'll castrate you with blunt things. Image used courtesy to me, edited using Photoshop 7.



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