Stagnation

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

And the Taste of the Age was
[Waiting in Vain @

Nothing sweet, or rather, it didn't feel like anything at all. Different from my depressive 15th birthday, today was bland, bland in all sense. If not for some text messages arriving, it would be easy to forget that I actually turned 16 today. Maybe the human mind is set to forget things it does not desire, and for my part, the fact that time had yet again moved on without me. Perhaps my mind cannot keep up with the vastness of time, how it would constantly inhibit us; restraining. Does time not control our actions? Even in the life of someone with a seemingly infinite amount of free time, time continues to hound them, because time is never free. While our mind drifts our body would age, so fast, it seems, that time would have to stop, if we were to catch up.

Or perhaps time simply cannot keep up with our minds, how it constantly evolves, drifting in and out of the future , plotting and conveying its ideas for the times ahead. But to evolve it would have to wait for time. Again, time is restraining. And I wish for time to stop, however briefly, just to let myself catch my breath, for myself to be once again in pace with my life.

So. Happy birthday to myself. Time cannot stop; so for today, I would wish for next year to be more interesting, so I can feel that my life is moving forward to its desired point.

Or at least so that I won't be sick on my birthday again.

Labels: Contemplating, Life

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rekindling a love for drawing
[Waiting in Vain @

Pardon the utterly wrong capitalizations for a title, but I've recently redeveloped an old hobby of mine; drawing. It all started with the hated art class. We were told to do FOUR paintings of surrealism in the course of, 3 or 4 weeks. Lots of time, right? Noooo, I managed to procrastinate till the absolutely last moments of the deadline, tomorrow. So here I was, rushing to complete 4 paintings in the course of 3 days, after 2 years of hiatus from any type of drawing. I've chosen watercolor as my tool (after failing with acrylic because the darn teacher told us to buy acrylic paints, failing to tell us that they are absolutely horrendous to use with SKETCH PAPER. I ruined a perfectly good sketch by using acrylic. Plus it was my first time too), which I bought in emergency near the canteen. It was a stupid cake color set, but it suited my need.

So I went home at Wednesday, panicking utterly since I have to get all 4 paintings done by Friday. I was skeptical at first on what to use. The last time I used pastels was when I was 8, acrylic is well..., I fail at penciling, and I'm not using canvases, therefore no oils. Remembering the last lesson I had 2 years ago on watercolor, I grabbed my watercolor and started painting the sky of my half done painting (mix of acrylics and color pencils). Now, I'll be honest. It turned out sorta crappy, the sky, but it looked kinda good from 5 meters away, so I let it go with a harumph, seeing that it was my first time after a long hiatus anyways.

Second painting: I rummaged through my picture folders, found a picture of a woman's back, so I improvised by making her cut through her back and revealing an eye, which suits the theme of 'eye and hand'. It turned out quite well, managed to blend the shadows smoothly, initially screwed up the hair, but it was acceptable after a lot of layering. Well, it was good, until I drew wisps of hair on her hand. Then it turned horrendous. Again, I let it go. I'm a perfectionist by nature (I would never dream of letting my creative writings out without at least reading it 10 times), but I hadn't the time to re-do all the whole painting.

I'm quite pleased to say, though, that even though I'm not happy with the paintings (or parts of it), I'm pleased with what I've learned through my blunders. I'm working on a third piece now, and after I've completed the task, I'll hop on to the art supply store and begin to practice painting at least weekly.

Labels: Hobbies, Life

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Chapters of Life
[Waiting in Vain @

Once upon a time, there was a girl called S____. She entered a school with the initial of D____, starting from the 6th grade. Being neither cute, ugly, obnoxious, smart, or anything unique, she was what people would define as 'bland'. A german descent, she blended in quite fast with the diverse population of the said school. Yet, despite all of her qualities, and despite how she blended in with her looks, she was, putting it kindly, singled out by her class. They shunned her, ceased to talk to her, and quite openly criticized the way she did things, the way she looked, her habits, and anything else they can put their grubby fingers on. This girl, a particularly chubby girl that had been in the school since the first grade observed the habitual bullying with much indifference. She was neither particularly cruel, nor friendly towards S____. Occasionally she would join in with the bullying, talking about S____ behind her back at lunch time with her group of friends (consisting of 99% boys), but sometimes she would defer and help the newcomer with her things. The latter was not out of pity, but out of her dual-natured habit of never having only one facade.

She did not understand then, why such an ordinary girl was bullied so, when S____ did nothing wrong and looked quite ordinary; or perhaps the girl's memory, writing this five years later had failed to recount the details of her primary school life. But the fact that girl was bullied, and she participated in it, despite less severely than others, didn't quite change. In the end, S____ moved, and she, nor most of the students in that class never bothered to inquire about her destination. And here, five years later, for the first time, she contemplated about it.

"How scary it is to be bullied like that," she thought, and she recalled the blurry details. "How scary it is, if I were to experience something like that." But she did experience it, and she recalled it none too clearly, how passing jokes about her weight and her looks lowered her self-esteem so that one day she decided to stop going to school at the 8th grade. And that was it. She was ugly, overweight, and perhaps the only redeeming feature was her quick mind. Tired of being such an ugly creature, she decided to change. She changed the way she looked, the way she walked, the way she talked, and despite all the changes, the fact that she was once bullied, the wounds caused by the unrelenting cruelty of children never healed. It opened bigger and bigger, up to the point that she thought, that maybe it'll be easier if she never became self-conscious of her body, or that if she never took the jokes seriously and instead laughed along with their jests. She was much happier then.

That wasn't possible, she knew, and knows. A mind too liberated will never return to its earlier stage of bliss. Or bliss it is, the desire to never experience change. If she could have a say, she would rather remain in her childish ignorance, unaware of the world outside her life. Yet change is cruel and gentle, pacing us, slowly unfolding the chapters within our life until at last, our mind reeled at the sudden change it's experiencing. "What happened?" It would ask, what happened to the world we were so intimately familiar with? And there would be no other answer, except change.

This girl, 15 years of age, three months shy of being 16, longs for both; change, and an unchanging world. She longs for this chapter to finish, yet she can't bear to see it draw its conclusion and set pace to a whole passage vastly unfamiliar to her. She is afraid of being like S___, if one day people would simply not accept her and treat her like the people of her past did with S___. If that happens, she would not escape to the world of pain like she did before; but instead accept it as a punishment for the things she deserves and does not deserve.

Labels: Contemplation, Life, School

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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Family Dinner
[Waiting in Vain @

Dinner. How unusual is it if I write here that the amount of time I've had dinner together as a family would amount to 3, 2, or even once since I came back? And probably only in the rarest time did that 'family dinner' happen before I went away. For most people, a family dinner would amount to them as a form of ritual, or a routine, what they do everyday without thinking, an acceptance of the norm in their everyday life. Some despise it, of course, those with bad family relationship, rebels, introverted loners, or whatever forms of human personality there might be.

I am none of them. My family is close, as at least it used to be, and used not to be. Like an old parchment spread too thin, my interaction with them is limited. There were periods where I can honestly count the amount of words I uttered to my father in a day, and even though our relation had somehow improved since that happened, the conversations were still in their essence, forced. I am a person with many facades, and I'm confused on what facade to wear facing my own family. If I would ask that question to someone and he/she would say, "Just be yourself," then I would ponder for days, wondering, which is me? Suffice to say, I forgot how to be myself, there are many versions of me, each different for every situation, person, but yet, which should I adorn to face the people who had been with me since my life began? With so many changes, I've failed to recognize them as the people I had known, or in an essence, I had left, or perhaps I just left a part of myself, which I didn't know.

Until I can come to know me again, and find a mask that is me to interact with my family, I'll muster the courage to say it clearly to them that I want everyday to be the day of intimacy, that I no longer wish for us to live our lives divided like this.

Labels: Life

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Friday, June 08, 2007

2 Months
[Waiting in Vain @

As per darling Khass's request, it's now time for an update. So, I moved from Sydney to Bali. Yes, nothing more, nothing less. For the first time in more than a year I had the liberty of choosing what I want to eat, have someone cook it for me, and best of all, NOT having to do laundry. So I arrived here, dumped my suitcase (with a period of heart wrenching reunion first with mom. A bit), then immediately went upstairs to see my promised, allegedly great room.

TA-DA!

Blue.

Blinding, blinding blue. Blue everywhere. I mean, I asked for light pastel blue, but NOT cheesy sky blue. Gosh. That's why I never trust my dad's judgement in any interior design. But nevertheless, I'm happy to be rid of that super small room I had in Sydney. Well, consider this, my queen sized bed wouldn't fit in there. But now... queen sized bed, big wardrobe, computer desk, sofa, coffee table, 37" LCD TV. I'm wallowing in luxury. Thank you, dad. Huge love from your shy daughter.

So, being here for one and a half months already, I must say that I've settled into my daily regime pretty well. I bought a new dog, named her Bonbon (with various protests from various people), a golden retriever with somewhat vanilla colored fur. I'll post a pic sometimes, for the benefit of my eyes, of course. She's five months old right now, and getting prettier everyday. I know, I'm terribly subjective on my cute, cute, cute dog.

Nothing much happening now, a best online buddy is begging for his special post... for some reason, so perhaps I'll make one for him later. He deserves it, after all, cute thing. About friends I left in Australia... Well, I miss their companionship, but I'm feeling close to nothing. Sometimes how little I feel towards people bug me.

But oh well, that's life. Bye. For now.

Labels: Life, Pets

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Friday, March 16, 2007

Dog & Cat
[Waiting in Vain @

Decided to upload some of my dear dog's photos. Her name was Naru, she died last year after I moved to Sydney, and I never got to see her. Here is the memory of her, as my loyal, beloved dog (not to mention she's a real looker, ain't she?):

And now the random cat I encountered when I took a rest after grudgingly trekking up the hills to my house after a shopping session:

>I know, crappy phone photo quality.

Labels: Life, Pets, Photos

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A certain song...
[Waiting in Vain @

Conversations with my thirteen year old self - Pink

You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

For apparent reasons, no song holds more truth that this, even though I remember I'm just a simpleton when I was 13, only becoming complicated when I turn 14, and the complexity continues till now. Quite possibly till I graduate and go to college and beyond, if my life goes around in this loop. Ah the happy days of being 13... I wish I would never grow up.

Edit: I decided to adopt a crapload of pokeballs. Because I still love pokemon. Don't give me that look.

Labels: Contemplation, Depression, Life

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