Saturday, June 16, 2007
[Waiting in Vain @
She did not understand then, why such an ordinary girl was bullied so, when S____ did nothing wrong and looked quite ordinary; or perhaps the girl's memory, writing this five years later had failed to recount the details of her primary school life. But the fact that girl was bullied, and she participated in it, despite less severely than others, didn't quite change. In the end, S____ moved, and she, nor most of the students in that class never bothered to inquire about her destination. And here, five years later, for the first time, she contemplated about it.
"How scary it is to be bullied like that," she thought, and she recalled the blurry details. "How scary it is, if I were to experience something like that." But she did experience it, and she recalled it none too clearly, how passing jokes about her weight and her looks lowered her self-esteem so that one day she decided to stop going to school at the 8th grade. And that was it. She was ugly, overweight, and perhaps the only redeeming feature was her quick mind. Tired of being such an ugly creature, she decided to change. She changed the way she looked, the way she walked, the way she talked, and despite all the changes, the fact that she was once bullied, the wounds caused by the unrelenting cruelty of children never healed. It opened bigger and bigger, up to the point that she thought, that maybe it'll be easier if she never became self-conscious of her body, or that if she never took the jokes seriously and instead laughed along with their jests. She was much happier then.
That wasn't possible, she knew, and knows. A mind too liberated will never return to its earlier stage of bliss. Or bliss it is, the desire to never experience change. If she could have a say, she would rather remain in her childish ignorance, unaware of the world outside her life. Yet change is cruel and gentle, pacing us, slowly unfolding the chapters within our life until at last, our mind reeled at the sudden change it's experiencing. "What happened?" It would ask, what happened to the world we were so intimately familiar with? And there would be no other answer, except change.
This girl, 15 years of age, three months shy of being 16, longs for both; change, and an unchanging world. She longs for this chapter to finish, yet she can't bear to see it draw its conclusion and set pace to a whole passage vastly unfamiliar to her. She is afraid of being like S___, if one day people would simply not accept her and treat her like the people of her past did with S___. If that happens, she would not escape to the world of pain like she did before; but instead accept it as a punishment for the things she deserves and does not deserve.
Labels: Contemplation, Life, School
0 musings
Thursday, March 15, 2007
[Waiting in Vain @
Just had a random chit-chat with two friends I sit together during English class today (mostly me butting in after I got bored from reading Wuthering Height for like, 40 mins), and ta-da! Guess what, they say that I'm cold. Actually, M said that, but nice H actually defended me by saying that I'm not that cold, yeah, not THAT cold. And since I'm using the new blogger, I have no idea how to formal my fonts, I can't see any fricking html or font choosing here!
M also said that I have a bad temper, and lacking manners (which I digress; I call is brutal honesty or tactless bluntness), which I rebutted by saying that it's intentional since I don't like people messing with me. Which is true; since that incident with my god wretched sis in law, something just snapped inside me, and now I can't be bothered to act polite anymore. Either you move, or get shoved out of the way. Sometimes I regret this change in my personality too, but eh, I feel comfortable in my new skin now. If people don't like the way I act, don't come close.
M sayeth: The reason you don't have any best friend is because you never let anyone get close to you.
Me: *black look* Whaaat?
Me -> Cold, unapproachable, bad temper.
Meh, you think I'd back away with that? Of course I was able to give my reason of 'closing' myself (without even knowing I did that, surprise!) with some complicated psychological reason I conjured on the spot which might or might not be true. Depends on my mood. And it changes a lot.
OK, back to English class, after that, the three of us was absorbed in this cold and warm discussion. Me being cold, and other people being warm. I made some jokes about temperature at this point, and H started laughing like nobody's bussiness. Of course I escalated it more by acting out a scene with M from 'Wuthering Heights', involving a guy and his love and how they accuse each other of despising the other. (Me: I love you, my beloved, but you! M: No, YOU despise me!) H actually had to make us stop because she said she's going to choke on her water if I continue.
Well, anyways, I said that despite being cold, I'm nice. M scoffed, but H once again defended me by saying, "Yes, she is nice you know". I'm utterly grateful of her, I shall remain a nice, cold girl instead of a mean, cold one. The former is always better. I love you.
Pardon me, now I need to train myself to remain poker faced always.
Labels: School, School Life
0 musings
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
[Waiting in Vain @
So, in a humid, cold, freezing day we were jigging, and for one reason or another she decided to point to a poster with a girl on it.
NRF: Hey, if you cut your hair like that, you'll look like a god!
Me: What? A god? (no, there's no eyebrow twitching here, since when with her I pretty much face everything with detachment for my sanity)
NRF: But then again you'd look freaky...
Tell me, what does cutting my hair and looking like a god has to do with each other? Did she mean I'll look like Jesus when I cut my hair? Last time I checked he's male... actually, scratch that. Figuring what the hell goes through her mind is kinda impossible.
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Sunday, December 10, 2006
[Waiting in Vain @
People who don't know me better (which the contradictory is quite non-existant), would think I'm a hardcore, anime/manga crazed fan when I told them that once, I downloaded 50 GB of anime/manga/drama in a month. Sometimes I explain patiently to them that most of the things I downloaded are left in my harddisk/burned dvd untouched, but most of the time I just let it go. I download anime/manga just for the sake of downloading, or to watch when I'm extremely bored, or feeling extremely laid back. THEN I would grab some food and sit in front of my anime watching some random anime while I concentrate more on the food. Only when I found an extemely likeable character did I even try to watch the whole series. I find it very hard nowadays to totally get into anything. It's like I don't enjoy doing things I used to like... one of the downsides of depression, I guess. The only thing I can play without being bored the first few hours is World of Dungeons which I've played for about 5-6 months already. Probably because my group depends on me so much. Other than that I'll have no qualms about leaving that game too.
I prefer hanging with game fans, they have much more common sense than geeky anime fans. Pity in an all girls school there's basically zilch. All I know is this punky goth chick (which is pretty scary), and my Japanese teacher. Yep, a teacher. And here I am always thinking that they have no life...
While I'm at it, I'm also gonna rant about my wacky (possibly the weirdest person I've ever met) friend's sister. Not that I've ever talked to the sister, but she's scary. One day, when I was standing idly in front of my roll call room (that damn teacher is ALWAYS late), this punk/goth/emo girl that looks like she just jumped out of a manga walked by, and while doing so casted a side way glance at way. I remember going, "Holy shit, she's scary!". From that point onwards I decided to avoid every punk/goth/rocker/emo person I encounter. Only later did I just remember that she's the little sister of that wacky friend of mine. And trust me, they look NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING alike. While the sister is weird, funny, idiotic... in a nice way, this girl is gloomy, dark, emo looking, and scary. And had a LOT of makeup on.
Talk about genetic differences... Remind me again why I used to want a sister, and kept pestering my mom about it. Thank god I'm actually the only child (half brothers do not count since they're... adults, and we have our own separate lives). Although it can get lonely at times... sometimes I really wish for a person I can share my feelings with. Having none, naturally I resort to a blog. Although it seems that while I have no one to confide in, I've become the person my friend(s) go to when they want to confide about their depression (and one of them is actually pretty fucked up. Smiling and acting like a cheerful idiot to hide her depression... almost sounds like an emo anime). It seems that I am that KIND of person. I long for the day that person will come... which is probably never.
0 musings
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
[Waiting in Vain @
1, 2, 3...
....
Oh shit!
Exactly, after a year of inactive lifestyle, my muscle mass must've decreased significantly. I remember that before this, I can use the exact same machine quite effectively, and NOT pull a muscle from 2 reps. I don't know what muscle I pulled (except that it hurt like hell, and I had to go home with my super heavy bag slung on one shoulder only), so I decided to be smart, and name it alterior deltoids. Ok, I got it from the diagram, so what?
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Tuesday, November 28, 2006
[Waiting in Vain @
Now, from what I gathered, 3 from 9 of us plans on adopting (because we fear pain), about 3 says "Hell no!" to adopting and plans on giving birth, 1 decided that giving her life to family is an awful idea, and ultimately resents to notion to fall in love ("Your motherly instincts haven't been fully developed," I said), and 1 absolutely likes kids and plans to give birth to one and adopt one, and the last one didn't give a clear enough opinion. I know, what's the best way to spend your lunch time but discuss about giving birth, eh? It's also interesting that they think it's too late to marry at the age of near 30, but I retorted that it gives you enough maturity, and all that crap.
Of course, when this particular girl said that there's absolutely no good guy in the world, which all the others deftly agree with (we're all boyfriendless, if you haven't noticed. The only one who has it was busy eyeing her phone trying to contact a new guy. Pssh, teen girls...), I retorted swiftly by saying, "Stop being so pessimistic", which they replied back with a 'Yeah, coming from you?'. "What? Whaaaat?" Seemed to be my only answer to that. But there's a base to me saying that there might be a good guy in this world, because there's one example in my life. Naming my brother. Seriously, he's the most capable, ideal husband I have encountered. Not that I have a brother complex or whatever, it would just be nice to meet a guy like him. I know, an idealistic thought by a teen girl in puberty.
Sooo... where was I again? Yes, that girl. I fear that she actually hates the male species. Based on her reaction on normal teenage crush, love, and good guys. But of course I haven't came around to asking her about that. Maybe later. After a lot more minutes of debating, telling each other about the best way to give birth, making weird faces at each other's notions, and deciding whether to adopt or not, this other girl had finally walked away, saying "What are we? A group of future mothers?" really loudly.
I agree.
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