Stagnation

Friday, December 29, 2006

An Update of My Life
[Waiting in Vain @

Just because I need to know where my life is currently going. My depressing is still here, and lingering, but I'm now pretty stabile, emotionally, so it's not bothering me as much, apart from the severe pangs of loneliness here and there.

One thing I find amusing is the time when I mentioned to my RNF (retarded normal friend) that my bathroom in Bali is as big as my current apartment. She went like, yeah riiiight... So I find that amusing, because my shower is as big as my bathroom right now, which explains my state of depression when I just arrived here, only to find my room as as big as my MAIDS' ROOM. Ok, my house in Bali isn't exactly the upscale type. If you see around my neighboorhood, it's probably something similar like those rich neighborhood type in American soapies. I won't go into details on how extravagant and oversized some houses there are. I'm just tired of living in a life bordering on poverty right now.

Which really isn't poverty per se, I'm sure that's just in my mind, but I'm facing the enormous pressure of managing my own financial situation, keeping myself alife, and taking care of myself overall. When I was back there, I dreamt of a life of independence, but now I find it tiring. Sometimes it's nice to have someone to look after you when you're sick, to cook for you, or to arrange those darn appointments to the doctor that you have. I want to be back to my life as 'Daddy's princess' again, but I'm sure when that finally can happen, I'll be too used to this kind of lifestyle of fleeting depression and financial stress to ever entirely rely on him again.

I haven't been talking to him, and in reality is trying to avoid doing so, mainly because for one reason or another, talking with him is always depressing, flirting with hope and sweet entices, which I know will never happen. I take comfort in oversleeping now, because then there won't be enough time for me to think about complicated things....

Labels: Contemplation

0 musings

Weirdo III
[Waiting in Vain @

For a lack of better title. Never claimed I have a creative mind. Anyways, it seems like I have the habit of laughing at corny things, which includes my own posts for some reason. So yesterday I went to the city with Majma, and again, we were approached by some weirdo. Imagine this scene: a gloomy park, 1 emo looking girl, another oversized one, sitting on a bench, on a windy afternoon. Peaceful? Well, that peaceful atmosphere was shattered when a guy suddenly went behind us, and in a loud voice, said something about taking a picture. In that split second, me being a slow thinker, I thought he wanted us to take a pic of him or something, but suddenly his friend got in front of us, and started aiming a camera. Yes, me being a slow thinker, realized that he was posing WITH us. Seeing that we had this "OMG WTF!?" look on our faces, he said "Smile! This is a fun time! Have fun!" Not knowing what else to do short of squirming and bolting away, I forced a half smile, which looked more like I'm either busting or have extreme tummy ache, and the camera snapped, which in more than 2 seconds after they bolted.

.............

I have this nice hunch that we were either laughed at after that, or going to appear somewhere in some random blog. Or it was a dare. I favor two of the latter, and Majma thinks it's the first and the last choice.

Oh well. Obviously, I'm not the weirdo magnet here. I've found the source.

As for my depression, I'm feeling relatively stable these past week, no lingering thought on suicide, or overwhelming depression. Mildly, yes, but the change of stability is refreshing. I've also taken care on taking the pill every day.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

NRF: You look like a god
[Waiting in Vain @

NRF=Normal retarded friend

So, in a humid, cold, freezing day we were jigging, and for one reason or another she decided to point to a poster with a girl on it.

NRF: Hey, if you cut your hair like that, you'll look like a god!
Me: What? A god? (no, there's no eyebrow twitching here, since when with her I pretty much face everything with detachment for my sanity)
NRF: But then again you'd look freaky...

Tell me, what does cutting my hair and looking like a god has to do with each other? Did she mean I'll look like Jesus when I cut my hair? Last time I checked he's male... actually, scratch that. Figuring what the hell goes through her mind is kinda impossible.

Labels: Humor, School

0 musings

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Anime crazed fans
[Waiting in Vain @

I don't know why, but I'm starting to despise those hardcore anime/manga fans. It's a bit contradictory, as I was pretty hardcore too, way back then, but I was around 10-13 years old and couldn't know better. Now I regularly encounter people in their 20s who is STILL into anime, and have a dream to go to Japan JUST for anime/the girls/hentai things. Each time I meet those kinda of people, it's probably pretty tame to say that I feel like flying over to wherever they are, and beat the hell out of them for having no common sense.

People who don't know me better (which the contradictory is quite non-existant), would think I'm a hardcore, anime/manga crazed fan when I told them that once, I downloaded 50 GB of anime/manga/drama in a month. Sometimes I explain patiently to them that most of the things I downloaded are left in my harddisk/burned dvd untouched, but most of the time I just let it go. I download anime/manga just for the sake of downloading, or to watch when I'm extremely bored, or feeling extremely laid back. THEN I would grab some food and sit in front of my anime watching some random anime while I concentrate more on the food. Only when I found an extemely likeable character did I even try to watch the whole series. I find it very hard nowadays to totally get into anything. It's like I don't enjoy doing things I used to like... one of the downsides of depression, I guess. The only thing I can play without being bored the first few hours is World of Dungeons which I've played for about 5-6 months already. Probably because my group depends on me so much. Other than that I'll have no qualms about leaving that game too.

I prefer hanging with game fans, they have much more common sense than geeky anime fans. Pity in an all girls school there's basically zilch. All I know is this punky goth chick (which is pretty scary), and my Japanese teacher. Yep, a teacher. And here I am always thinking that they have no life...

While I'm at it, I'm also gonna rant about my wacky (possibly the weirdest person I've ever met) friend's sister. Not that I've ever talked to the sister, but she's scary. One day, when I was standing idly in front of my roll call room (that damn teacher is ALWAYS late), this punk/goth/emo girl that looks like she just jumped out of a manga walked by, and while doing so casted a side way glance at way. I remember going, "Holy shit, she's scary!". From that point onwards I decided to avoid every punk/goth/rocker/emo person I encounter. Only later did I just remember that she's the little sister of that wacky friend of mine. And trust me, they look NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING alike. While the sister is weird, funny, idiotic... in a nice way, this girl is gloomy, dark, emo looking, and scary. And had a LOT of makeup on.

Talk about genetic differences... Remind me again why I used to want a sister, and kept pestering my mom about it. Thank god I'm actually the only child (half brothers do not count since they're... adults, and we have our own separate lives). Although it can get lonely at times... sometimes I really wish for a person I can share my feelings with. Having none, naturally I resort to a blog. Although it seems that while I have no one to confide in, I've become the person my friend(s) go to when they want to confide about their depression (and one of them is actually pretty fucked up. Smiling and acting like a cheerful idiot to hide her depression... almost sounds like an emo anime). It seems that I am that KIND of person. I long for the day that person will come... which is probably never.

Labels: Rant, School

0 musings

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Joys of Hair Cut
[Waiting in Vain @

Just cut my hair on some random, cheap barber (because I happen to be going to the wrong direction, when in fact the barber I originally sought was at a completely different direction. So I thought, what the hell...), and boy, I feel kinda refreshed. I'm ready to shout joy to the world for the disappearance of my dead hair, and along that the morning hassles of making it at least presentable. Now I can just wake 20 mins before school, get dressed super fast, brush my teeth, comb my hair fleetingly, grab my usual cheese for breakfast, and rush off to school.

It's how refreshed I feel right now. Since my hair is wavy and thick, it's really prone to dead hair ends when I let it grow long, which can be more than a hassle, bordering on unnecessary morning frustration (I can't understand how those girls who wear makeup can survive waking up). The Chinese lady with a really bad accent that cut my hair totally chopped off all the dead bits, leaving me with a hair that only reaches the part of my neck where the invertebrae becomes noticable when you bend your neck. It's kinda regretful, and I have this fleeting impression that having short hair when you're a tall, hulking thing doesn't really fit. But what the hell... at least now (hopefully), I won't look like a drug user (from my lack of sleep), or a smoker (from my poor, poor eating habits), which was even more prominent by ex-messy, unkept hair suffering from dead ends.

Yay for haircut! What's left now is japanese straight perm it, and color it brown, blue, or red.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Computer outage
[Waiting in Vain @

I'm feeling mildly depressed today. Not because of my usual "oh my life is so crappy" situation, but because this H-game I've waiting to play for like, 2 years couldn't work on my PC. No matter how hard I try. I mean, if the only solution of getting it to work is to buy another PC, forget it. I can just imagine the conversation with my dad...

Me: Hey dad, can I have another PC, like, now?
Dad: What? What for?
Me: Because I wanna play this H-game...
Dad: H-game?

...Yeah. Still depressed. So I decided to play this other game that supposedly is so fucking depressing/sad it makes everyone who plays it cry. Of course it contains incest, like every sane japanese H-game out there.

Labels: Rant

0 musings