Stagnation

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Family Dinner
[Waiting in Vain @

Dinner. How unusual is it if I write here that the amount of time I've had dinner together as a family would amount to 3, 2, or even once since I came back? And probably only in the rarest time did that 'family dinner' happen before I went away. For most people, a family dinner would amount to them as a form of ritual, or a routine, what they do everyday without thinking, an acceptance of the norm in their everyday life. Some despise it, of course, those with bad family relationship, rebels, introverted loners, or whatever forms of human personality there might be.

I am none of them. My family is close, as at least it used to be, and used not to be. Like an old parchment spread too thin, my interaction with them is limited. There were periods where I can honestly count the amount of words I uttered to my father in a day, and even though our relation had somehow improved since that happened, the conversations were still in their essence, forced. I am a person with many facades, and I'm confused on what facade to wear facing my own family. If I would ask that question to someone and he/she would say, "Just be yourself," then I would ponder for days, wondering, which is me? Suffice to say, I forgot how to be myself, there are many versions of me, each different for every situation, person, but yet, which should I adorn to face the people who had been with me since my life began? With so many changes, I've failed to recognize them as the people I had known, or in an essence, I had left, or perhaps I just left a part of myself, which I didn't know.

Until I can come to know me again, and find a mask that is me to interact with my family, I'll muster the courage to say it clearly to them that I want everyday to be the day of intimacy, that I no longer wish for us to live our lives divided like this.

Labels: Life

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