Stagnation

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I would start over in a new canvas
[Waiting in Vain @

I realized that I never really typed anything about my new school. And thus here it goes:

It's decent.

Yes. Decent as far as school goes. Weird enough, I found myself socializing more here than I did in my previous two schools. Of course, I'd never get friends as good as H and M - I don't think I can, anymore, having felt the bitterness of parting. So they drift. People moving in and out of my sight, but never staying. I long for someone to share my feelings with, as I did with H and M. We understood each other, because we were experiencing the same thing. But now- even if I want, I can't possibly risk scaring someone off by revealing who I am. No, not the happy go lucky Cynthia with an obsession for sex, but rather someone who was hurt, and eager to heal.

They seemed so happy; every one of them. I must laugh, then, in order not to disturb the harmony. I almost poured myself out on MSN, when chatting with a classmate. I need to be careful from now on, it seems, until I'm sure that I won't freak anyone out.

I'll move next year again, anyways, and after two years, I'll move again. And again. I'll never be close enough to anyone to satiate this loneliness. Each time I move, I would start over in a new canvas, and each time, the details would diminish. If first it was full of vibrant colors filling the page, then perhaps now it's a simple grey sketch.

Whether I can paint that sketch or not, it depends on me. I hope I can. But this loneliness must dissipate first for me to move on.

1 musings

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

And the Taste of the Age was
[Waiting in Vain @

Nothing sweet, or rather, it didn't feel like anything at all. Different from my depressive 15th birthday, today was bland, bland in all sense. If not for some text messages arriving, it would be easy to forget that I actually turned 16 today. Maybe the human mind is set to forget things it does not desire, and for my part, the fact that time had yet again moved on without me. Perhaps my mind cannot keep up with the vastness of time, how it would constantly inhibit us; restraining. Does time not control our actions? Even in the life of someone with a seemingly infinite amount of free time, time continues to hound them, because time is never free. While our mind drifts our body would age, so fast, it seems, that time would have to stop, if we were to catch up.

Or perhaps time simply cannot keep up with our minds, how it constantly evolves, drifting in and out of the future , plotting and conveying its ideas for the times ahead. But to evolve it would have to wait for time. Again, time is restraining. And I wish for time to stop, however briefly, just to let myself catch my breath, for myself to be once again in pace with my life.

So. Happy birthday to myself. Time cannot stop; so for today, I would wish for next year to be more interesting, so I can feel that my life is moving forward to its desired point.

Or at least so that I won't be sick on my birthday again.

Labels: Contemplating, Life

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