Thursday, September 27, 2007
[Waiting in Vain @
It's decent.
Yes. Decent as far as school goes. Weird enough, I found myself socializing more here than I did in my previous two schools. Of course, I'd never get friends as good as H and M - I don't think I can, anymore, having felt the bitterness of parting. So they drift. People moving in and out of my sight, but never staying. I long for someone to share my feelings with, as I did with H and M. We understood each other, because we were experiencing the same thing. But now- even if I want, I can't possibly risk scaring someone off by revealing who I am. No, not the happy go lucky Cynthia with an obsession for sex, but rather someone who was hurt, and eager to heal.
They seemed so happy; every one of them. I must laugh, then, in order not to disturb the harmony. I almost poured myself out on MSN, when chatting with a classmate. I need to be careful from now on, it seems, until I'm sure that I won't freak anyone out.
I'll move next year again, anyways, and after two years, I'll move again. And again. I'll never be close enough to anyone to satiate this loneliness. Each time I move, I would start over in a new canvas, and each time, the details would diminish. If first it was full of vibrant colors filling the page, then perhaps now it's a simple grey sketch.
Whether I can paint that sketch or not, it depends on me. I hope I can. But this loneliness must dissipate first for me to move on.
1 musings