Stagnation

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Sports
[Waiting in Vain @

Ok, so trying to lift weights using the nautilus machines after a year of absolutely no working out may not be the brightest idea I have today. Imagine this scenario: A tall, L-sized girl walks to a natilus machine, and after inspecting the diagram, she decided to try it. Hmm, She thought, seeing that the uppermost weight is was blocked off by something. After thinking some more she unscrewed the 'thing', and put it on the hold to the second weight, which is about 9 lbs. Happy, she sat on the bench, and started lifting it.

1, 2, 3...
....

Oh shit!

Exactly, after a year of inactive lifestyle, my muscle mass must've decreased significantly. I remember that before this, I can use the exact same machine quite effectively, and NOT pull a muscle from 2 reps. I don't know what muscle I pulled (except that it hurt like hell, and I had to go home with my super heavy bag slung on one shoulder only), so I decided to be smart, and name it alterior deltoids. Ok, I got it from the diagram, so what?

Labels: Humor, School

0 musings

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Future Mothers
[Waiting in Vain @

So there I was, silently reading my book as I was feeling a bit depressed and pissed, listening to the usual group bickering and making silly jokes at each other nonchalantly. I was planning on staying quiet till the end of recess, but this particular topic caught my attention. Being a mother. Yep, being a mother. Now I was wondering why the hell they were talking about that stuff when we're well- 10 something years short of being one ourselves. And so I closed my book and chimed in, giving inputs, argued, and ocassionally confusing people by mumbling like a shaman.

Now, from what I gathered, 3 from 9 of us plans on adopting (because we fear pain), about 3 says "Hell no!" to adopting and plans on giving birth, 1 decided that giving her life to family is an awful idea, and ultimately resents to notion to fall in love ("Your motherly instincts haven't been fully developed," I said), and 1 absolutely likes kids and plans to give birth to one and adopt one, and the last one didn't give a clear enough opinion. I know, what's the best way to spend your lunch time but discuss about giving birth, eh? It's also interesting that they think it's too late to marry at the age of near 30, but I retorted that it gives you enough maturity, and all that crap.

Of course, when this particular girl said that there's absolutely no good guy in the world, which all the others deftly agree with (we're all boyfriendless, if you haven't noticed. The only one who has it was busy eyeing her phone trying to contact a new guy. Pssh, teen girls...), I retorted swiftly by saying, "Stop being so pessimistic", which they replied back with a 'Yeah, coming from you?'. "What? Whaaaat?" Seemed to be my only answer to that. But there's a base to me saying that there might be a good guy in this world, because there's one example in my life. Naming my brother. Seriously, he's the most capable, ideal husband I have encountered. Not that I have a brother complex or whatever, it would just be nice to meet a guy like him. I know, an idealistic thought by a teen girl in puberty.

Sooo... where was I again? Yes, that girl. I fear that she actually hates the male species. Based on her reaction on normal teenage crush, love, and good guys. But of course I haven't came around to asking her about that. Maybe later. After a lot more minutes of debating, telling each other about the best way to give birth, making weird faces at each other's notions, and deciding whether to adopt or not, this other girl had finally walked away, saying "What are we? A group of future mothers?" really loudly.

I agree.

Labels: Humor, Rant, School

0 musings

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Another thing about pain
[Waiting in Vain @

The thing is, I just realized exactly a day ago that the worst pain EVER is not being headbutted by your nephew, but by pulling your calf muscle at your sleep. Well, it all started when I was suddenly awake by the twitching on my leg, (yknow, the type when you unconsciously moved something, and your brain is kinda late to respon) and from previous experience I know what would happen next.

In the next split milisecond my mind was literally screaming something like, "Oh god, no, no, no, no, please no, no, no, NO" and the last one happened exactly when I couldn't control my leg, and it twitched on its own, pulling a muscle (although from the pain it might as well be 10), and sent it searing with a pain so intense last time I literally sobbed, begging to some imaginary deity for it to stop. Pathetic, I know, but it happened so many times that it stopped being funny and right now I just hope with all my puny life I would never EVER experience it again.

And every time it happened, I had to be awake a few short seconds before I realized what was going to happen, but never had the time to stop that involuntary twitching/mysterious movement, that sent someone like me, who only ever cried from depression, sobbing like a pathetic idiot. I mean, it hurt way more than the time I accidentally bumped into the corner of a table with a force (and on the part) that would render the male species unable to breed, which happens quite numerously. I think there's a reason for me to be born a female; me being a male would mean instant death [to my lower parts].

Anyhow, I've been dreaming of being killed/stalked by a killer, falling (the typical one where you wake up with your heart racing), and seeing my mom when she was healthy way too much lately. I wonder what's up...

God, I hate those being killed/stalked by a killer/escaping from a killer/watching people being multilated dreams. It always gives me the creeps when I woke up.

Labels: Contemplation

0 musings

Being Close
[Waiting in Vain @

The more you know someone, the more you get to see their imperfection and flaws. This is why close friends occasionally get into a fight. Because they know each other so well, sometimes it's hard to tolerate their friend's unpleasant behaviour. The same thing can be said about lovers or married couple. The more you know your loved one, the more you realise that this person is not as perfect as you thought he/she was when you two first met. It's an inevitable part of a human life, a 'Hedgehog's dillema'. The closer you get to someone, the more likely you're going to hurt, dislike, or being hurt/disliked by that person.

-quoted from http://www.designchronicle.com/memento/archives/jigokushoujo_futakomori_ep03.html

I just have to agree on that. I noticed my reluctance on becoming too close to someone when I started withdrawing myself when I felt like I've known him/her too much, and in the end our friendship would drift away to those of mere acquintances. It was always perplexing when this happened, and it wasn't once or twice that I contemplated on my unexpected behaviour, but no matter how much I wanted to have a close friend for once, I can't bear to get closer, perhaps because I've realized that the closer we got, the more I know about that person that I don't want to know, and s/he'll know more about me than what I'm comfortable to let in. And of course someday that relationship will also end, most probably drifting away by time, or severed by the imperfections we see on each other. I became the executioner, severing the tie before it got too deep that it can hurt me.

So here I am, friendly at first, smiling, pleasant, then slowly withdrawing until you feel you don't know me anymore. It happened a few times, and I doubt it'll stop now. Of course, feeling tormented from what I brought to myself doesn't help either, but I can't help it.

It's also getting quite annoying, because if this goes on I'll die a lonely death when I'm 65, alone in a solitary apartment with 8 dogs... Actually, make that 5, my favorite number. Or even more tragic, dying without ever experiencing the thing called love that humans favor so much. Which is probably overrated, but curiosity will soon get me, and dying with your biggest curiosity unsatisfied would be... scary.

Labels: Contemplation

0 musings

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Interesting
[Waiting in Vain @

Interesting, really:

Madrid enforces skinny models ban

Labels: Blog

0 musings

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Piiiiiuuuung
[Waiting in Vain @

I feel quite thin today.

...On my cleavage.

But then I saw someone's who's not 12 years old who's even flatter (and on the most unlikely place too). So w00t on that one :D

Labels: Humor

0 musings

Monday, November 13, 2006

Death by Headbutting
[Waiting in Vain @

I've just come to a realization that being headbutted by my 3 years old nephew on the pelvic area (I'm no guy, but it's still bony there) might as well be the worst pain I've ever felt in like, 3 months. Beware of the 3 years old baby who headbutts people! Especially if he's only as tall as your hips! Now being a quite tall person/girl, it's quite shameful I had to say "Ouch!" loudly and recoil from the hit. Braced it like a man, I should.

...And I've also realized that sarcasm does nil to a 5 years old kid. Now that proves troublesome because I usually communicate in sarcasm nowadays.

Last news: My father just agreed to let me live alone seeing that 50-70% of my source of depression now comes from living with those two people I call brother and sister in law. Okay, they're not THAT bad. Yet. But I'm a fairly private person. I need my own space, privacy, and I value freedom above all else, and living with them have failed to provide me those three essential things. You know how 2 families cannot possibly live together without clashing, right? Well, in a sense I'm the second, individual family, and quite frankly, I'm the invader of their privacy here. To be blunt, probably 6 out of 10 cut wounds I've self-inflicted is because of this whole 'we're so happy living together, envy us *smiley face*! Not" scenery.

Well, he's bound to change his mind whent he day actually comes, god knows coming up with whatever excuse he has to not let me live alone (law, I'm immature, I'll burn the house down (I agree with this one), blablabla), which, if that happens, I'll just have to simply break his heart. I'm not going to have another break down like I did exactly a year ago, I'll do anything to prevent that from happening again.

Labels: Humor

0 musings

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Update
[Waiting in Vain @

Update:
1. I've finished a container of Nutella in two days.
2. I almost snapped my nect upon leaning back in a super fast motion.
3. My net boycotted me when I left it to microwave a microwable meal.
4. I'm gonna write random nonsense like this until I'm past being delusioned by sickness.

Labels: Rant

0 musings

............
[Waiting in Vain @

Because I'm sick, and groggy, and morbidly mortified upon realizing that I'm no superhuman and deep cuts take more that 10 minutes to heal, I'm going to rant about the apparent brother complexness that almost all little sister characters in Japanese anime seem to suffer.

What is it with them and sisters wooing over her own brother and having all those sick fantasies involving them and weddings and ... things... inappropriate? That's just not normal in any way possible, unless you count them incest partners normal, that is, which I suspect you might as well go to the psychiatrist, like, now.

Either way, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about here, so I'm gonna shut up and plop back to bed, hoping that I won't be well tomorrow so I can skip school without guilt involving.

.....And also addicted to cutting, it seems. Realized that last night. Oh well. No harm done except my carpet and some of my school paper work being stained by what suspiciously looks alot like ketchup.

Ciao. For now. I'll be back.

Labels: Depression, Rant

0 musings

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Pathetic
[Waiting in Vain @

Cyn's PokéPet

Ugyaaah! the level 76 Jolteon!

Ok, shut up. I know I'm pathetic.

*Goes off to dig old pokemon game*

Labels: Contemplation, Humor

0 musings

A certain song...
[Waiting in Vain @

Conversations with my thirteen year old self - Pink

You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

For apparent reasons, no song holds more truth that this, even though I remember I'm just a simpleton when I was 13, only becoming complicated when I turn 14, and the complexity continues till now. Quite possibly till I graduate and go to college and beyond, if my life goes around in this loop. Ah the happy days of being 13... I wish I would never grow up.

Edit: I decided to adopt a crapload of pokeballs. Because I still love pokemon. Don't give me that look.

Labels: Contemplation, Depression, Life

0 musings

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Getting Lost
[Waiting in Vain @

And NO, I'm not gonna go into details on how I seem to acquire a talent of getting lost at the most obvious places, god no, the only viable explanation I can offer now is that I've inherited my mom's utter lack of sense of direction. And her height. And her temper. And her deep, deeeeeep inside compassion for people (covered by an iron wall 20 meters thick, except with me), her skin (no, not white, but soft, which is now marred by my ex-cutting rampage and apparent lack of nutrition), and etc. Pity I don't inherit her looks. Which is those porcelain-like Shanghai people. Which would make me more acceptable in China. Which thank god did NOT happen because then I'd be dwarfed to their size. Which is uncool. Or cool. Depends on my complex of the day.

But one thing I definitely did not inherit from her is her lack of socially accepting people. I guess her being brought up in a posh, rich, upper class family had kind of distorted her view on the world, and the people in it. Now I'm trying to undistort that perspective, and stop her from snapping at people all the time (except at me).

And I guess I forgot what I was gonna write originally. Except that I hate PE. I still have stomach cramps from doing 2 sets of situps last Friday. Anyway, appart from getting lost, and forgetting to bring my money for the stupid gym thing, this lady at some chinese restaurant was also rude to me. Well, maybe her chinese-ridden accent made everything she said rude, but to me she's rude as hell, so I calmly said, "No thanks, I guess I'm not eating here", and exited the restaurant, vowing to never come back again.

One more thing I inherited from her: My temper. Which I don't really show that I've lost it, except at the time of the month, but yeah- a lot of people had died in my fantasy lately. Excluding me. No, seriously.

@The romanian guy who had transformed into a girl overnight to comment of my blog: Ef you :)

Labels: Rant

0 musings